August 7, 2009
posted by caroline picard
- There are tools from the fifth dimension. These tools, glass rods of various lengths, colors and sizes resemble small donuts, little larger than a Sakgewea. The more expensive tools resemble phalic prisms. These tools can be placed in various combinations on the chakras of the body. They are said to regulate the vibrations of the body into a fifth dimension frequency, thereby infusing the body with healing and consciousness. WHERE THE TOOLS CAME FROM: an alien who looked like a man from the fifth dimension entered a church outside of Reno. He was very tall and bald and he had very large hands. He wore a business suit. He had a five o’clock shadow. He carried a briefcase inside of which he carried his tools. The minister, a stout woman in a pastel pants’ suit (she was prone to seeing color fields), begged him to the side and at the end of the sermon. And after further inquiry it was decided that they would go into business together. They opened a factory. They hired illegal immigrants from the casino parking lot and showed the workers how to make the tools. They conducted sermons before and after work and at the end of church on Sundays, the alien/giant/joe shmoe offers demonstrations about the tools and how they work. MOST COMMON QUESTION: What happened to the fourth dimension?
- There is another church outside of Reno. Here another stout woman in another pastel pants suit conducts her sermons. The church is carpeted inside with drop ceilings and the windows are covered in yellow, see-through sheets of plastic. Inside, people sit on plastic folding chairs. At the end of the service, after the final hymn, the pastor disappears with three young children (the palbearers) into a back room. If you sit in the back, you will notice that one by one, people disappear into that room where they stay for up to half an hour. If you were to go inside, they would have you lie on a massage table covered in terri cloth towel. You would see the moon-faced children, sollemn, gazing down at you. You would remark upon the underside of their chins. The one above your head would hold your shoulders. The pastor would run a nail along side different parts of your body while chanting in a language you do not recognize. You would catch sight of blood out of the corner of your eye, though you would feel no pain. This would go on for several minutes and sometimes the pastor would break her chanting and pull the second child aside, to show you the bowl the child carried. “Look, this is your kidney,” she would say, lifting up an organ. “It was diseased do I took it out.” Afterwards the children would wash your body in warm water with more terricloth towels. They would leave you alone to dress yourself, you would re-enter the church, leave a donation and drive home.