Art Fair tips by lil elote

March 9, 2009

Art Fair Tips from New York:

The Armory & Volta

by

lil elote

Just got back from the New York fairs; it was fabulous!  The parties were just crazy!  The art-myehhh.  Everything is fabulous in New York…until you run out of cash.  The fairs aren’t cheap y’all.  But you know your girl lil elote don’t let a lil thang like money hold me down-I break those motha-effing chains-YAHHHH!!!!!

Like the song says, “Don’t be fooled by all these rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still lil’ elote from the block.”  To be exact, I’m from the mean streets of Queens-represent! HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY.  That’s right, so I’ve still got a little hustle-game in me, and I’m gon give y’all some tips to get past the gatekeepers at the fairs for little to nothing-listen up children:

A.

You gotta walk-like you’re on the runway. Remind yourself, “I am a star! These bitches ain’t got nothing on me!”  Anyways, walk-fiercely, right past those bitches at the front taking tickets or checking wristbands.  After all, only the masses have time for checkpoints!  This method works best when you’ve got a tight outfit and you’re fully accessorized-like an upper-east side WASP, like you’re going to buy some art.  Make sure your hair and nails are all did, pat your weave; also, giant sunglasses help, “I’m not looking at you, I’m looking past you, bitch!”

B.

This second method takes a little bit more nerve and some stamina: Run your ass off, right through the checkpoint.  You should try to get a decent running start, then fly like the wind-like the time yo daddy had a little too much hennesy and he’s about to open a can of whup-ass on yo mommy and the kids.  If a bitch tries to stop you, cry, scream, and yell “get off me you Racist, Sexist, Classist bitch!” whatever you can throw at them.

C.

Obtain a press/VIP pass.  This requires some prior research.  Name-drop your ass off.  You’re an artist, but who isn’t?  So get one of the pamphlets for the fair and read the gallery names-a suprising # of them are self-named, so say you’re a personal friend of say, Kavi Gupta, David Zwirner, or Marianne Boesky.  Also, can’t forget to let them know who you are:  “I’m Terrence Koh, goddamit!”

D.

As a last resort, I suggest rubbing some shit on yourself.  I know, I know-nasty; but they don’t call it hustlin’ for nothing’.  A friend of mine told me a sure-fire tactic for making people think you’re crazy is to present yourself covered in shit (’cause sometimes people can’t see you’re crazy on the inside).  Hopefully, no one will want to touch, look, smell, or be near you.  You are exempt from all the tenets and checkpoints of civilized society.  But then again, it’s an art fair.  “Is it art?” people will wonder.  Hell the fuck yes!  Now, Move aside bitches! Respect!

I hope this was helpful y’all.

Till next time,

Xoxo

lil elote

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2 Responses to “Art Fair tips by lil elote”

  1. martine syms Says:

    It’s really lame to me that “Lil Elote” speaks in a tone dramatically different from the rest of the writers on the blog, she’s a victim of domestic abuse, and she doesn’t have enough money to get into the fairs.

    Why can’t L.E. be comfortable in the contemporary art world?

  2. urbesque Says:

    Martine,
    Green Lantern comprises different voices–some angrier than others. Though I have persevered through poverty and abuse, I am not a victim. I stand here proud, a participant in the very world that at times I feel excluded from.
    I appreciate your comments though. I will dedicate a song to these thoughts on my next album, “I am…lil elote” coming out in Spring.

    lil elote


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