Esmerelda the Gypsy Cat

January 23, 2009

I found this thing online when I was in high school and was surprised to see that it’s still on the internet.

So, basically, it’s this story about a cat named Esmerelda (the title of the story is “Esmerelda the Gypsy Cat”) who’s living the hard life on the streets of Brooklyn (seriously).  One day she’s hanging out outside of a Burger King and she meets this other cat who calls himself The Burger King.  He seduces her (or, rather, appeals to her hunger and poverty) and takes her back to his castle where they wine and dine nightly for thirty days until, eventually, The Burger King removes the car tire he’s been wearing as pants, shows Esmerelda his genitals and starts singing the Whopper theme song.

The woman (Diabella?) who wrote this story also made these gigantic cat dolls, which I guess she uses to recreate the story in her bedroom when the nights are lonely.


This is Esmerelda.


And this is Esmerelda on the can.  I’m not sure why she’s sitting on the toilet in this photo, but the caption on the website is “Of course I don’t use a litter box!”  Esmerelda, chill out.  We weren’t even thinking about it.

Anyway, just to whet your appetite, an excerpt.

Upon meeting the King:

“Hello, King … I am Esmerelda The Gypsy Cat – and I just love your Halloween costume.” “This is no costume,” he replied. From the expression on his face I could tell that he wanted me. “Follow me to my castle, fancy feline, and I will shower you with jewels and silks, champagne and satin, lace and furs.” His eyes sparkled like iridescent mounds of hot coal and for one fleeting moment I imagined that he was the devil in disguise about to ignite 34th Street with the flames of hell. [stet]

You can get the rest here:

Thank you kindly,

Howard Johnson


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